I Want a New Drug

We all remember the Huey Lewis & The News song, I want a new drug, (I know I do—I had a hugenormous crush on him when I was a child) and the video of him putting his face in a sink-full of ice. Had Huey just stuffed his face with a handful of gooey brownies instead, I think he would have found what he was looking for. I know I have.

I’ve never been one to overindulge in pre-race food. I’m not a gel, goo or protein shake kind of girl. If anything, I’m coffee and bagels. This past weekend I added brownies to that list. Not just any brownies---the most fudge-full, sugar-full and blissful brownies. Ever. Made exclusively for racing, by Nate, we had joked as he poured the batter into the baking pan that we’d doped our brownies with the likes of EPO and creatine. Come race day, I thought maybe we had.

Warming up on the trainer before the start of the Smithfield time trial on Saturday, I realized I hadn’t eaten anything and with about 45 minutes to go, I thought I should at least chew on something. I asked Nate for food and with surprise he handed me a large brownie square. As I pedaled, I felt the sugar absorbed into the enamel of my teeth and evidently, my bloodstream.

The night before, Nate had put a new front derailleur on Pony, in an effort to remedy my shifting issues. As I disengaged from my trainer and headed to the staging area approximately 13 minutes before my start time, I realized that I couldn’t shift into my big ring. I swung back around to the truck and with moments to spare, Nate fixed what he could. For a time trial, I didn’t suspect I’d do much shifting from middle to big ring or vice versa, so we placed the chain onto the big ring and I vowed not to shift down until afterwards. However, I was still left with a loud clicking noise, which made my presence painfully obvious to everyone.

I clicked to the line and I was off. I had a strong start and what I assumed to be adrenaline kicked in and never waned, except during mile four and seven of a 16 mile course. There were fierce cross winds the entire time which made everything much more painful as each turn approached. Crouched down in the aero bars, I fiercely pedaled. Unusual but pleasantly enough, no one passed me until mile five. I passed my minute (wo)man at mile two.

The last mile of course was a slight incline—painful after having spent the entire time fighting winds and gravelly pavement. As I sprinted to the line, my computer announced that I had been on the mark with what I had hoped to achieve. In all, I had been overtaken by 3 women and a guy, but managed to finish 11th out of 21 women with a time of 47:46.

After I finished racing, I noticed that my adrenaline high remained. I talked incessantly and very fast (many of you are wondering how this is different than usual). I’ve never been on speed or any other amphetamine, but I imagine that was how it would have felt. What was the source of such excitement and immediacy? You guessed it—brownies!

Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised that a sugary substance could create such a firestorm of energy and efficiency, but I am putting my money on the race brownies from now on. If results are drastic enough, I just might consider marketing them on the pro-circuit.